12.29.09
First things first
I’ve been avoiding this space.
There are two reasons. One, I’m still sick. Have been sick for months now*. Coughing. It’s neither funny nor interesting, yet sinisterly all-consuming. But, seriously, I really don’t want to talk about it.
The other reason.
An old friend passed away suddenly last month just days after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and, because she was a loyal and supportive reader here, it just hasn’t felt the same. I’d begin to compose a post in my mind and I’d quickly get tripped up on the empty chair in my imaginary audience.
I want to keep this short. I won’t stake any claim on grief when I’m not at the epicentre of this tragedy; this story belongs to her husband and her two little kids. But there’s this: Robyn, Honey, it’s not fair. Thirty-three is too young. I know you didn’t want to leave your kids behind. Fuck cancer — you didn’t deserve this.
And there’s this: You were a sweet person. I’ve known you all my life and can’t remember you once making a cutting remark about someone else. Poised — you were poised. You could sing like an angel, but maybe kindness was your true talent.
And there’s this: Thank you for reading. Thank you for your support.
I’ll see you on the other side, old friend.
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*Yes, the doctor. I’ve been to the doctor. In short, they have no idea. Which: what can you do.
churlita said,
December 30, 2009 at 8:20 am
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I feel awful for her family and for her, knowing she’ll be leaving them behind on her last days. It’s all so heartbreaking. I lost my best friend to cancer when he was 31. He left his wife and 2 yr old daughter behind and I know that was the hardest part of it for him.
Shannon C. said,
December 30, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Jeci, I’m sorry you’re still so sick and I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you 2010 is better for you.
jeci said,
December 31, 2009 at 10:43 am
Thanks, Shan, for the kind words. Robyn was a good person and she will be missed by a lot of people, I think. As for me, I am getting better! Slowly, but surely. I feel pretty good, in fact, but for the fact that I occassionally sound as though I’m trying to expel a live cat from my lungs. So once I shake The Cough, 2010 will be great! Happy New Year!
jeci said,
December 31, 2009 at 10:55 am
Thanks, Churlita. It makes my heart hurt thinking about your friend. So sad.