10.20.08

Oh hi. (Or rock steady, baby, that’s what I feel now.)

Posted in My Life Is Punctuated by Useless Bouts of Panic, Sparkle, The Man Is Such a Drag at 9:06 pm by jeci

Why I sit on my duff waiting for something to happen before I blog is beyond me. Blogs, by definition, are supposed to be self-indulgent blatherings imparted in a self-deprecating tone so as to use wit to distract from the self-indulgence.

Not that nothing has been happening. Although for great stretches of the last 12 months I was languishing on a couch somewhere trying to make things happen, waiting for things to happen, or feeling dismayed at the way things were happening and aborting them from happening anymore. This thrilling exercise of maintaining a prolonged and vaguely debilitating state of “Unhhhhhhhhhh” culminated in me declaring with dull alarm that I was most assuredly in a rut and then finding that declaration acutely alarming and promptly declaring said rut to be over.

Pay attention now, dear readers, because you may not realize it but I have just outlined for you the steps for finding—at long last—viable, sustainable, not soul-eating, full-time employment. To recap:

  1. Begin by working in The Worst Place Ever™. No. Not EVER. Surely that title is held by a terrible meat-processing facility that employs illegals or a Gap factory in China that employs small children. So, no, not EVER. But work in a place where PEOPLE THROW THINGS. AT EACH OTHER. Where people administer the silent treatment at random. Where people make OPENLY RACIST COMMENTS and when you speak up and say that you’re offended, said people will visit your cubicle on a daily basis to refresh their comments. Just so you don’t forget that they’re justified in their racism. Where people are in dire need of meds, as evidenced by the fact that they wash their hands so often their skin cracks and bleeds. Which is weird, yes, but relatively harmless until Crazy Compulsive Coworker begins to follow you to the bathroom to begin a shrill harassment campaign focused on the fact that you only wash your hands ONCE instead of THREE TIMES, THREE TIMES, youhavetowashyourhandsTHREETIMES.
  2. Crack.
  3. Go on sabbatical.
  4. Discover that, after sabbatical, you’re still not ready to face an office enviroment [THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES!]. Freelance.
  5. Remember that the key to freelancing is to pile on so many projects that you establish enough forward momentum to render moot the fact that people rarely pay freelancers on time. [Ed note: I'm still waiting for my cheques. Plural. AHEM.]
  6. Oh hai! Rent is still paid monthly.
  7. Begin eleventy-month loooooooooong job search that makes you and your spouse seriously question whether moving to Vancouver was a huge mistake. (High cost of living! Low salaries! Low salaries FOR WHICH YOU DO NOT APPEAR TO BE ELIGIBLE!)
  8. Become paralyzed with anxiety. Throw yourself on the hamster wheel of existential panic. What are you doing with your life? Why are you an editor anyway? Maybe you should just be a temp/flailing freelancer forever. Do you really need mental stimulation? A livable salary? Pride?
  9. Use this barrage of questions to dig yourself into a nice, deep rut. Wallow for a bit in your rut before realizing that you’re getting a little too comfortable in Feeling Sorry For Yourself Land. Unfortunately, the only way out appears to be on the Bitter Angry Expressway (after taking a hard left on Panic Boulevard).
  10. Unless, of course, you simply admit the truth. Out loud. Sit your whiny ass down right in the middle of Panic Boulevard and declare yourself in a rut. A rut that you’ve gone and dug by your own stupid self. And you DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER. Maybe even cry a little. In front of people.
  11. Find yourself pleasantly surprised by the outpouring of support you receive, including a nice email from your mom that reminds you that you have a mom who says mom things, even when you’re 32. Wonder why you didn’t say anything sooner. (Note to self: Hey, Dumb-Dumb! In the future if you want people to support your feelings, TRY EXPRESSING THEM FIRST.)
  12. Heartened, declare yourself out of your rut despite any concrete evidence to the contrary.
  13. Promptly receive job offer for groovy, full-time, salaried position. (Of note: This job offer includes a week’s paid vacation to go home and see your family for Thanksgiving BEFORE you’ve completed your FIRST WEEK OF WORK.)
  14. Go into the office where you’ve been temping the last couple of months and, in the hours before the rest of the staff come in, crank Aretha Franklin and dance in the darkened hallways while doing the mail run. In two hours you get to…
  15. Announce to your boss that you’ve gotten a job in your field and have arranged to have the temp agency send over another phone jockey. Effective immediately.