05.29.08

This Blogging Dry Spell Brought to You By…

Posted in Meh, Top Five Tuesdays at 6:32 pm by jeci

  1. Deadlines. Never ending. No really. I think the only words that have escaped my mouth in the last month have been “I can’t. I’m on deadline.” Meaning I can’t: Go out with you, stay in with you, sleep, bathe, or… stop obsessing about my deadline du jour.
  2. The writing project that took me deep into the heart of Google to no avail and thus compelled me to…[wait for it] go to the library to do my research. That’s right. I couldn’t find what I needed online! I had to go outside and use my limbs to propel me to the “library!” Only to find out, of course, that I could have accessed the periodicals online anyway.
  3. Not that that’s been any use. All the information for this project is in French. My second language. There is a big difference between being able to haggle with a cab driver in Montréal and being able to conduct research in French*. Such is life, I suppose, when you’re profiling a Québecois organization. MERDE!!!
  4. Speaking of profiling a Québecois organization, thanks for not returning any of my calls or e-mails, Québecois organization. I’m sorry I presented you with an opportunity for free publicity. I can see how this would be incredibly inconvenient to you. I realize that it’s not really the job of the Director of Public Relations to handle this type of thing. OH, WAIT. (Va te faire foutre, eh?)
  5. T-24 hours until deadline/my house of cards comes crashing down. Tick tock, tick tock. This means I’m officially procrastinating. I can’t blog; I’m on deadline.

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*There was a time when I was bilingual. Now is not that time. Although, my reading comprehension (and swearword retention, for what it’s worth) is still high enough that I’m not royally, uh, tabernac(ed). Just a little…stressy.

05.12.08

How to Ruin Two (2) Garments in 10 Easy Steps

Posted in Meh at 1:18 pm by jeci

  1. First thing in the morning, pull on beloved, supersoft A&F hoodie. Be sure to wear something white or cream-coloured for the purposes of this exercise. Shuffle to kitchen for procurement of coffee.
  2. Sit, slumped, in front of celebrity gossip sites while waiting out your pre-caffeinated fugue state. Sip coffee slowly, patiently waiting for the coffee to sufficiently massage your synapses and convince them that they’re ready to start firing.
  3. Lean forward, dipping tie from hood into coffee mug, allowing the tie to become thoroughly saturated before sitting back.
  4. Fail to notice what you’ve done.
  5. Sit back, allowing coffee-soaked tie to flop into position against the sweatshirt so that it produces a large, spreading stain across your bosom.
  6. Fail to notice.
  7. Begin to move about so that coffee-soaked tie flops around, creating a splatter pattern of stains across entire body, somehow even involving the cuffs of your garment and your BACK LEFT SHOULDER.
  8. Fail to notice.
  9. Proceed to shower and change and, in manner of the slob that you are, chuck the offending garment onto the small mountain of laundry that dominates a corner of your bedroom. Ensure that the offending garment lands prone, coming to rest on one of your white work blouses, thus allowing the coffee-soaked tie to draw in an innocent bystander and continue its reign of brown terror with the creation of a new spreading stain on an entirely different and unrelated garment.
  10. Fail to notice for two full days, allowing ample time for all stains to set with little hope of recovery.